PRIVATE VIEW

Sexual position of the fortnight: the Frenzy. Difficulty rating: four (out of five). Find a spot where you can lie back until your pelvis is about a foot lower than his. Get your lover to stand or kneel in front of you, then lift your legs and rest them on his shoulders. Now you’re ready for some saucy sexploits. Tilt your pelvis up so that your back forms a straight line angling up towards him, and your groins meet. He should place his hands under your hips, so he can hold your booty at the perfect angle when he thrusts. You just have to wait for a frenzied orgasm!

Sexual position of the fortnight: the Frenzy. Difficulty rating:

four (out of five). Find a spot where you can lie back until your pelvis

is about a foot lower than his. Get your lover to stand or kneel in

front of you, then lift your legs and rest them on his shoulders. Now

you’re ready for some saucy sexploits. Tilt your pelvis up so that your

back forms a straight line angling up towards him, and your groins meet.

He should place his hands under your hips, so he can hold your booty at

the perfect angle when he thrusts. You just have to wait for a frenzied

orgasm!



Given that the best ads are often a sample of the product, how would you

rate my chances of beaming the above random sample of the notorious teen

magazine More! into the chintz-lined living rooms of East Cheam? Slim

and none, I’d wager. (And Slim’s too pre-occupied polishing his Mont

Blanc in preparation.)



Hence we have an ad that is a bit misleading. Not to say untruthful.



The magazine cover depicted in the ad is not the one on sale in the

shops. Mysteriously, the captions ’Why women pay me for sex’, ’Erotica’

and ’Which stars are on drugs?’ all seem to have fallen off the TV

version. The ad itself is ... okay, but it has none of the sexual

chutzpah of the magazine. Which leaves me wondering when it comes to

products such as More!, whether it’s actually possible to produce an

advertisement that is truthful (to the product) and decent. Someone

needs fingering for this. And it’s not the agency.



Sexual position of the decade belongs to the gentleman caught in

flagrante with his 24-incher in the Kiss TV commercial. What is it with

blokes and household appliances? What is it with the rise and rise of

big, baggy undies in British advertising? Enough already. Hugh

Junderpants begone, I say.



Kiss TV is great. It’s down, it’s tuff. And it’s blacker than Barry

White’s coal bucket. So I don’t think it is best represented by the

humiliation of yet another big, flabby white bloke in pants.



George Best drinking milk. If only. If only real life could be as

simple, funny, innocent, optimistic and have as many happy endings as

this campaign. Where did it all go wrong, George?



Not straying too far from the omnipresent game, I’ve watched the

’I’m-totally-obsessed-with-football,-me’ notion grow from being a fringe

sportswear theme to a full-blown advertising genre in recent years.



These new ONdigital commercials, however, are easily the finest

exponents of the idea so far. They’re beautifully understated, superbly

acted and, best of all, you can’t see the gag coming. And that’s

speaking as someone who firmly believes that all footballers should be

pressed into mince and fed to wild dogs as soon as such a practice can

be legally endorsed by Parliament.



Reed Employment has chosen to surprise a series of job-seekers by having

the jobs come looking for them. There you are, bungling through life

when ’bingo!’. The perfect job offer pops up, willy-nilly. What a great

idea.



Especially if you happen to be a red-hot middleweight creative team

looking to work for the best advertising agency in London (call 020 7573

6666 for details).



I love the idea of big companies talking and listening to us little

people, but I do feel that Colgate Palmolive has gone a little too far

in basing its entire global new product development strategy around the

romantic Geordie greeting: ’You don’t sweat much for a fat lass.’ I know

Audi is now designing phone-boxes and EasyJet has expanded into

everything (watch out for the new grocery outlet,

Easy-Peasy-Lemon-Squeezy, and a chain of lap-dancing clubs called Easy

Tiger), but surely repositioning Soft & Gentle as part of a

calorie-controlled diet is stretching brand diversification to the

max.



But enough of this foolhardy ad banter. I’m off to perfect my

booty-thrusting angle. True. True.



Reed Employment

Project: Reed.co.uk

Client: Katy Nicolson, marketing director

Brief: Launch Reed.co.uk illustrating how Reed’s integrated online and

offline package provides the best service for job seekers

Agency: Abbott Mead

Vickers BBDO

Writer: Richard Foster

Art director: John Horton

Director: Paul Weiland

Production company: Paul Weiland Film Company

Exposure: National and satellite TV


National Dairy Council

Project: Milk

Client: Andrew Ovens, marketing manager

Brief: Portray milk drinkers as heroic and admirable

Agency: BMP DDB

Writers: Tim Charlesworth, Ted Heath and Larry Barker

Art directors: Michael Kaplan, Paul Angus and Larry Barker

Director: Olly Reid

Production company: Passion Pictures

Exposure: National TV


Colgate Palmolive

Project: Soft & Gentle

Client: n/s

Brief: Show how sometimes you have to work hard so that you can enjoy

yourself

Agency: Rainey Kelly Campbell Roalfe/Y&R

Writer: Judy Kingsley

Art director: Mark Edwards

Director: Sara Dunlop

Production company: Brave Films

Exposure: National TV


Emap

Project: More! magazine

Client: Liz Martin, marketing manager

Brief: Reinforce core brand values and capitalise on summer sales

Agency: Quiet Storm

Creative team: Rebecca Clarke, Trevor Robinson and Kevin Chicken

Directors: Trevor Robinson and Kevin Chicken

Production company: Quiet Storm

Exposure: National and satellite TV


ONdigital

Project: OD on football

Client: n/s

Brief: Build awareness that ONdigital shows more football matches than

any other platform

Agency: BMP DDB

Writer: Ted Heath

Art director: Paul Angus

Director: Paul Gay

Production company: Outsider

Exposure: ITV and Channel 4


Emap Performance

Project: Kiss TV

Client: Malcolm Cox, group marketing director

Brief: Launch Kiss TV

Agency: Mother

Writer: Mother

Art director: Mother

Director: Evan Bernard

Production company: Partizan

Exposure: Channel 5, the Box