Urgently wanted: freelance bullshit translator and negotiator
A view from Matt Byrne

Urgently wanted: freelance bullshit translator and negotiator

This agency is desperately seeking a bilingual bullshit translator to help us talk in plain English so the bankers understand what we do and vice versa.

Description

At BDD&MC Intersaatchipublicom we work with high-profile brands and agency partners that love our dynamic, game-changing creative campaigns that synergise holistic long-term brand halo-effect with short-term activation.

But they hate paying us on time. Late payment has always been a problem and we need the banks to fund us or we cannot pay our staff or rent.

Because we’re not your average company selling shoes or nappies and our bank, HSCB (high-street-crap-bank), struggles to understand our apparently complex business model and that our great ideas have tangible value. It means we have difficulty prising money out of them.

We are desperately seeking a bilingual bullshit translator to help us talk in plain English so the bankers understand what we do and vice versa.

The Role:

  • Can you come to the rescue when bank execs look blankly as we enthuse about our business using modern marketing terminology such as ‘CPM’ and ‘psychographics’?
  • Can you explain in layman’s terms what a ‘header bidding wrapper’ is or the relevance of an ‘SDK’ or ‘RTB’ to commercial success?
  • Can you maintain composure when they ask "You said you work mainly on programmatic campaigns, delivered through your full stack platform with rich first-party DMP data to optimise yield?"

We need someone who can:

  • Calm the bank manager’s nerves when they shiver with horror at the thought of intangible assets such as IP and brand "goodwill".
  • Keep a level head when they sneer with suspicion at agency volume bonification (agency rebates), which they view as non-transparent and have no idea how to account for and penalise.

You will also be expected to help our bearded yet somehow still baby-faced digital gurus fathom financial lingo.

Can you decipher these banking phrases?

 "Your revenue is too seasonal" 

 "Your accounts receivable aging is highly concentrated." 

"You need to rebuild your balance sheet due to an unsatisfactory track record" 

"There is a distinct lack of collateral" 

"You have insufficient trading history for us to underwrite a credit facility" 

Responsibilities:

You must:

  • Love forms
  • Be able to sniff out bullshit quickly
  • Have the patience of a saint
  • Have a good grasp of plain English
  • Must own and carry both vintage All-Stars and shiny square toe loafers

Contract: Expect to spend hours in airless rooms translating waffle

Salary: You can name your price but you’ll get paid when we get paid, which might take a while

We have a fun, open culture with ping pong table, free fruit and waffles, unlimited kale and chai lattes plus bean bags to sit on. Team-building events include learning Asian cooking at a country retreat in Sussex. However, you must be prepared to eat stale digestives during bank meetings.

Figures from the British Business Bank (BBB) reveal that every year small businesses from different sectors (including agencies) are refused loans worth about £4bn.

Matt Byrne is chief executive at BDD&MC Intersaatchipublicom (but really, he's UK director of fintech company, FastPay)

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